I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
