i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
