I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
