I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
