Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
