I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
