Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
