I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
