I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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