I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
