I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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