You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
