I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
BRING THE BAGELS
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
