Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
