Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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