Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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