My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
