i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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