Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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