I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
