there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
