so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
