Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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