So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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