The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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