Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
