I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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