broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
