My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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