Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
