Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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