is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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