hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I think my moral compass just broke
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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