I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
