dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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