It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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