also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
