Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
