just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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