totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
