I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
