he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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