I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
