just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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