Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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