mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize