my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
