I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You ruined the universe
Randomize
