Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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