allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
