Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
