grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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