It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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