you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
