Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You did what with his pubic hair?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
