I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
