Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
