I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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