is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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