I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
