apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
